Letter
is to my oldest son:
March
10, 2014 Monday
To
my dearest Surrender,
Dear surrender, you do not know
me yet but I am your mother. Well not your mother that you know now
when you are reading this but your mother Deloris Leah Daphne
Hutchinson at age 18, the year 2014, the month is March, the time is
10:29 pm and it is the tenth day. I am sitting at my desk in my room
that I live in on the off compose school housing in Sault St Marie Ontario Canada. I’m here because I am going to Sault College
to become a nurse. You maybe the same age that I am right now as I
write this letter so you will see all my mistakes as an 18 year old.
I am writing to you know because I want you to know my thoughts. The
thoughts that I had years in advances before I ever had you. I am
also writing this to see if these things that I am thinking of now
will truly come to pass. I must say that I am existed to see were
these letter will take me.
First I would like to start by
saying that I love you. I have always loved you. Even before I had
you. Even before I ever dated a man. I have to say from the day I
realized that I could have children, when I changed from girl to
women, I have always loved you. From the bottom of my heart to the
top of it. My love cup for you is overflowing. I stress to you that
even thou I may see that I love your younger siblings more and that
i'm harder on you is because I love you so much and I want you to have
the best in life. I want you to be the best you can bet that is why I
am so hard on you. You are my oldest son and want you to know that
what I do and say to you is all in the name of love. You might not
understand it now but someday soon when you sit down and write your
future child a letter you may understand.
Now I want to tell you the reason
why you are named what you are named and the reason that this name
was given to you the oldest child. Surrender, it’s a name that I
know not many children have. Especially in Korea. The reason I named
you surrender is because I wanted a name that was different and would
stick in people’s minds. It was the first name that I have ever
loved long enough to dream and plan the name for a child of mine. It
was the first name I picked out when I was in the 7th
grad. I have never changed my mind. Back then I said when I get
married have my first child if he is a boy I will name him surrender.
I have keep my promise. Even if your father didn't like the name I
was still going to name you it. I didn't care, I don’t even know
your father yet so its not a big deal yet. Maybe i'll have some
arguments with him when it comes to naming you when that time comes
but ill win because i'm the women and i'm doing all the work, caring you
and pushing you out. The reason i'm calling you Ren for short is due
to the fact that it’s a more common name in Korea also it’s a
short form so you don’t have to say or spell out such a long name
all the time. That’s the reason I named you surrender. I love the
name and what it means and what it stands for. It’s a strong name
for a boy who will be so strong.
As the oldest child in a family
of five kids you will have big responsibilities. I can help you
because I understand I was the oldest of five. Things will be very
depending for you but i'm sure you will be able to do because you will
have strong genes in you, my genes. What I hope you are like. I hope
you are strong willed and know why you want. Don’t be afraid to go
for the gold no matter what it is. Also be yourself I can’t stress
that the most.
I am writing this letter to you
half as if you are already hear and half as if you are not. This may
seem wired to you but someday maybe you will understand. Theses
thought shave been on my mind all day and just now after I finished
all my school work I and to write it all out before I forgot. So this
is why i'm writing this all messed up but I hope you’ll listen and
understand that i'm writing this because I love you.
Who you are or who I think you
will be might be totally different from who you actually will be when
you are finally hear on earth. Right now my dream is to move to Korea
someday and setall down there and maybe marry a Korean man. If that
is to happen then you will be a boy of an interracial marriage. You
will be mixed, biracial just like me your mother. Thou I’m made of
less things. I hope that you take after your father in good looks
have the typical Asian/ Korean futures with a nice dark skin town. I
know that even thou I your mother was not raised in Korean I wish to
raise you in the Korean way. Korean will most likely be your first
language and you will most likely end you going to an international
school were you will learn English. You may find it hard growing up
mixed in Korea but times are changing so by the time you are created
maybe it will be different there. I will promises you that even thou
we won’t live in Canada you will meet you aunts and uncles and
grandparents. We will visit them and you will have a good strong
relationship with them. Also we will go on family trip just like I
did when I was a child. Maybe if your Korean grandparents live fare
away from Seoul well go on road trips to go visit them.
Your father whoever he his will
love you just as much as I have always loved you. He probably; loves
you a lot even now. I hope and pray that you will have siblings, I
even have names picked out for them even now. Next I pray that your
brothers Ashley and Barome will get along with you and that you three
will be great older brothers to your younger sisters Yuri and Solbi.
As my oldest child there is a different love that comes with being
the oldest.( maybe ill add a sixth child and id name him Henry
I love you with all my hurt
Surrender and when the time comes for you and I to truly meet I will
work all my days making it clear to you that I have always loved you
and will always love you. Pleases always remember that.
From
your mother (someday soon)
Leah
Hutchinson
P.s.
I hope to write more to you as the years go by so that when you are
finally hear on this earth with me you will know how much I thought
about you even before you were here. Also if you do end up being born
in Korean and speaking Korean and reading Korean as your first
language ill translate this letter for you so that you will have an
easier time reading it. (This is just an intro letter to you)
All
my love now and forever
Leah
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