A letter to all the people that i have hurt

I've been thinking. Over the past few days  as I was getting ready to come home from school. I had a lot of time to myself. I started thinking about the people i've hurt. The people I said things about in the heat of anger. I know i have a bad temper, when  I feel like i've been wronged I snap and I don't hold back. That's something i've been working on all my life. Its something that I still try to work on day to day.
My birthday was a few weeks back. I turned 20 years old. I thought to myself i should try to reconnect with people i pushed out of my life when i was angry. I should reconnect with them and tell them that i am sorry.
I'm sorry i got mad.
I'm sorry i said the things i said.
I'm sorry i  wrote things o public sites that other people could see.
I'm sorry, could you please forgive me.
I want to rebuild the relationship i broke.
 I realized that i had no right to be mad. How i acted was wrong. I lost a friend, someone i looked up to because i was stubborn and hurt. I felt that i was being left behind and it hurt. I took my hurt out in the only way i thought i could. I kept it in side and thought over it. Then released it in ways that i thought would cause the most hurt.
What i really want to say is I apologies. I want to try and reconnect. Maybe try to work back to the way things were. I miss you i really do.
I understand that it will take time for you to forgive the wrongs that i did to you. I know that it will be a slow process of trying getting back to how things used to be. Thats ok i understand. It was my mistake. This happened because of me. I think now that i'm older. Im starting to grow and realize what i have done wrong.
I want to start my journey as an adult by righting all of my wrongs. So for all the different people in my life that i have hurt and pushed out of my life. I am truly sorry please forgive me.
Forgive me.
-Leah

Things i learned about my self when i went away to University

well it was  that time of year were every one goes of to there prison were there supposedly learning. For me even though i was done high school i also went of to school this time to my prison of choices Sault saint Marie for the collaborative nursing program.

I have to admit that when i really didn't want to go away. The way i ended up going to my prison away from TBay. My parents pushed me to it. I have to say thou when i think back to it i am so glad  that they made me to go. I learned so much about my self in thous six mouths away.More then i ever would if i had stad at home.

Things i learned about my self where things like how i was when i was out of my comfort zone.To be perfectly honest people who know me think i'm really out going. Yes i'm loud and i like to be with people but iv been tested and i'm more of an introvert, Testing dose not lie. So what i'm getting at is that yes i might seem like a person who maybe good at making new friends and being in a new places. Nope that's not me at all. I was scared out of my mind when I went away. For about the first two weeks of school i had no friend. I would sit in class and stare around pretending in my head that i had friends. People probably thought i was crazy. I would eat in the library and go back to my room off campus to study after classes. I was a loner.

Funny thing is this could have gone one for the rest of they year if Celeste and Hannah hadn't come by Jeans house that Friday afternoon. Funny thing was earlier that morning i had been watching them.I know that sounds creepy. The looked so happy and i wanted to be friends with the. I just didn't know how to go about getting there attention. I couldn't mutter up the courage. So i went home after class with out talking to them. I was in the Kitchen with Jean making brownies for another class. Someone knocked on the door. I had been talking to Jean about how i had no friends. Jean opened the door and there was Celeste and Hannah. they came in it was strange but the smiled and talked to me even thou i just stared at them most of the time. They left after a bit. The next day they asked me to sit with them and as they say the next is history. They where my first two friends. I'm so glad i met them. My third and last friend i met a week later in one of my lab classes, Chantell.

Another thing that i learned about my self was that my faith in God was stronger then i thought.I was worried that i would get influenced and loses faith or not be as strong or holed my ground if i was asked to do something wrong. My faith is strong and as strong as it will very be. I was able to hold my ground and let people know what i believe with out hiding anything. Also i know what i believe is right and i love that God worked in my life by sending me away so that i could learn that about my self.

I know also know that i can live with out my parents house and i'm not some one who needs to be around people. I can study and get my work done with out my parents breathing down my neck and reminding me to do things. I'm more organized then i thought. Last but not least i learned that yes i want to be a nurse and i love learning about medical things.

Going to University was in the end not like going to prison. It was a like a kind of freedom. I freedom to grow and find my self. I know who i am and i will never forget the fact that i can do anything because i have a great friend on my side. That friend is Jesus. He helped m,e though my first year.

University changed me for the beter and i love that about it.

Any way that's all for now. I hope you like my thoughts on university.
Over and out.

Leah

Hate Her (its not really hate just the title of the poem)

as i get older seem to have more problems within my self and the fact that im adopted.
Hears a poem about one of my struggles 

hate her

sometime i hate her

the women who gave me up

sometime i wish shed never been

but then i wouldn't be hear

sometimes i hate her 

i'm glad she gave me up

so that i didn't have to sink down to her level

but i think that thinking this way just makes me as bad as her

why do i feel such burning in side 

i should really feel love and compasion

No, 

hate is a really strong word

to strong for someone like me 

ill change it to...

Dislike

sometime i dislike her 

because of what she did to me

who am i

were am i going

what is my identity?

i'm messed up in side 

i  feel like i'm living a lie

i don't  always love my life 

is it right to take children and give them to others?

other mothers

other fathers

do all children who don't know feel this way 

what about the children who get to meet thous people do they feel the same way?

yes?

no?

maybe so?

i don't know

i don't know who i am anymore

as i get older its harder

I feel , i see, i know

as theo gets older he looks like my father 

as josh gets older he acts like my mother

i want to look at my parents and see my self in them

if i want that,i have to go look for the people who have my blood in them 

i feel alowen in this does any one feel this way

Emma doesn't, 

but thats okay

reading

i was reading somewhere but i cant remember

but most children like me will think on these things one time or another

but for now i must say that 

i hate her. 

(ps. this has nothing to do with my mum and dad, i love them with all my heart and respect them and im glad there in my life and im in theirs)

Sometimes

This is a poem i wrote about what i feel sometimes when i think about being adopted.

Sometimes

Sometimes I think about who I could be.

I wouldn’t want to be any one but me

But sometimes I think

Sometimes I wonder

Would I be me if I had lived my life somewhere else?

If I had never been and adopted?

Would I be the Leah Hutchinson I know of today

Or would I be a totally different person?

Sometimes when I think about it I start missing that me

The me I could have been

The me I’ll never be

Sometimes I get mad at myself for wishing for something thats not better

But would it be?

Sometimes I think could it have been better if I had gotten the chances to be that me?

Sometime I’m angre at the people who took me away from there

The people who love me

Sometimes I’m madbecause I want to see what I could have been

Most times I’m grateful

I’m glad I’m me, this me,

I feel that sometime children who are adopted go through a stage in their life were they start to think and wonder

What if, could this have been this way or that?

Sometimes I think we go through emotions of anger, longing, hoping, wishing wanting, but never getting

No matter what my parents say to me no matter how they show me that it’s better to be this me

There is always in the back of my mind, could I have been a better me?

I’ve wondered about the lady who brought me into the world

I wonder what she was like.

I wonder am I anything like her, will I be anything like her, would I want to be anything like her?

What did I get from this faceless nameless women who brought me into this world?

Would I like what I saw if I ever saw her?

Sometimes I get mad at her and I think why did you give me away did.

Sometimes when I feel low I think you gave me away because you didn’t want me, thou know that’s not true.

No matter how much my mum and dad say we love you, we picked you, I never feel like I truly belong to them

When I was younger I got jealous of my younger siblings.

The reason was they came from my parents.

They were there flesh and blood.

When you looked into their faces you could see my parents staring back.

I wanted that I wanted to be able to look at my mother and go

yes that’s the same smile,

yes that’s the same noes.

But that’s never going to happen because they didn't make me.

I’m not resentful of them taking me away from that places but sometimes I wonder was it truly right for me. Would I feel this way now if I was back there?

I should hope and think not.

It’s good to be me

But sometimes just sometimes I wonder is this really me

When you do something wrong and you know it.

Hi,
Li-ah hear.
Have you ever done something wrong, said something wrong and know it?

  I sure do more often than not. Its what i would say is my weakness in life. I say and do a lot of stupid things that I feel bad about latter after there over and done with and i'm left alown with my thoughts to think over what just happened. That is also something I do a lot. Think back threw my day look at what I said and did that could have brought someone down in a way i did not realize at that time. Well don't feel bad because your all listening to the master of putting foot in mouth and choking on it well its trying to go down. This is something i need and have to work on. Something that I am,even now, trying to work on. But i have realized somethings in my short 17 year life span that. That one as I get older theses types of things happen more often but people wont call you on it as much. You have to realize it for your self. I think its called self reflection and yeah i do think i'm getting along just fine with that. But how does one,me, go around trying to fix that part of me that seems to be malfunction? i know what to do go go to one of the best book that us out there for you to read. You guessed it the bible.

  So, what i wanted to talk about in this blog is how iv come to enjoy reading and using some verses in the bible to help me with my horrible foot in mouth problem.  

The first one is:
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21
  The first one is:  I really love this verse because it really does help. When your having one of thous days and you want to say. Hey you....... mouth choke. The evil you want to say to someone so that they can feel hurt is over coming you. In order not to be over come you need stop writ there and think What would Jesus do. I believe no i know its better to be over come by good. So when you want to say something or do something sower try to over come thous surges with something good like a nice word or a good action.

The second one is:
And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17o
I like this verse because when someone goes to do something we often doe it for ourselves.Really when we do things we think it will only affect us but in the deeper scenes of things truly effects everyone a who is in our life in the smallest ways with out really noticing and knowing it. that why we should watch out what we say and do.  SO if we think abut who we are doing things for we are most likely not going to do a lot of the things that we planed on doing. The reason I'm talking about this is because I have a bad habit of doing things and not realizing how they are going to affect people in my life until it is to late. That is why i memorized this verse to think about it when ever in going to do things that might not just hurt me but others around me.

The third and last one:
I have paid attention and listened, but they have not spoken rightly; no man relents of his evil, saying, ‘What have I done?’ Everyone turns to his own course, like a horse plunging headlong into battle. Jeremiah 8:6
The reason i like this verse is because when i think about all that's wrong the world i realize that yes most people, including me, know what we've done wrong but we do nothing to fix it to do better. We are people of the world and week keep doing what the world does. WRONG. what i think this verse is telling us is that its more then just saying we did wrong. Not only do we need to see what we have done wrong but we need to turn around and try to do right. 
SO if we do stop, think, turn around and go that's wrong and try to change what we have done we will not only be making our selves feel better we will be pleasing God. we should not sin even thou there are so many things that we see and do that we know is wrong. 

so when ever i feel that i'm going t say something that should really just stay in my head i think back to the three of theses verses and I start to think to myself what would God want me to say. Most often then not i don't say what i thought and everyone is better off. 

Over and out 
Leah 

Whats been on my mind: Dating

Hi all,
Li-ah hear
So the topic of today is what on my mind. I do know for a fact that I haven't been blogging for sometime but i do have a veiled reason  for not doing so. Iv been away at school and have been just so busy. But now i'm back and I have three weeks for Christmas breaks. SO, i have been thinking about a lot of things lately. SO me good and some not so good.
What I want to write about today is something that has been on my mind scens the day i realized boys were boys. That  happened around the time I was 11 years old. I had my first crush then on a boy named Dylan. I think that is the reason why I like red heads so much. He had red hair and he was my first crush. When i first realized i liked him was one day on the bus. we set by each other everyday to and from school. Be for then we had been friends and nothing had been wired between us till that day I realized that he was cute. Then you know when they say boys get mean and make fun at the girl they like. I became like that with him. I was mean to him really mean. from that day on i piked fights with him and we got yelled at a lot by the bus driver. It was all me thou. The reason  I did that was because I did not want him to realize that I liked him. time went on and i slowly stopped liking him and started liking other boys. But after that first crush I was never able to look at boys the same way. That Is why what I want to talk about has been on my mind for a very long time.
I want to break it up into some different sections and talk about them all separately.
So, the first thing on my mind is Dating.

DATING:
It seem like when you hit an age all the friends you know are dating or splitting up and realizing who likes who. Personally I think dating is all well in good but iv been thinking that now a days people date just to date. I often tell my friends the reason I have only every dated one guy in my life is because i feel that dating is away for a person to find the man or women they are going to spend the rest of there life with. Not dating just to have the person then and now. You date to find the person you going to spend forever with. That is why As of right now I don't date. Not only do I don't want to. I date because i want to find the right guy for me. Not the right Guy i think but the right guy God thinks.

so wate boys and girls if for you to date someone is in Gods plan for your life he will bring some one great into your life.

Any way that's all i'm going to say on this matter right now

Over and out
Leah

p.s. i'm still waiting

Letters for the Future

Letter is to my oldest son:

March 10, 2014 Monday

To my dearest Surrender,

Dear surrender, you do not know me yet but I am your mother. Well not your mother that you know now when you are reading this but your mother Deloris Leah Daphne Hutchinson at age 18, the year 2014, the month is March, the time is 10:29 pm and it is the tenth day. I am sitting at my desk in my room that I live in on the off compose school housing in Sault St Marie Ontario Canada. I’m here because I am going to Sault College to become a nurse. You maybe the same age that I am right now as I write this letter so you will see all my mistakes as an 18 year old. I am writing to you know because I want you to know my thoughts. The thoughts that I had years in advances before I ever had you. I am also writing this to see if these things that I am thinking of now will truly come to pass. I must say that I am existed to see were these letter will take me.

First I would like to start by saying that I love you. I have always loved you. Even before I had you. Even before I ever dated a man. I have to say from the day I realized that I could have children, when I changed from girl to women, I have always loved you. From the bottom of my heart to the top of it. My love cup for you is overflowing. I stress to you that even thou I may see that I love your younger siblings more and that i'm harder on you is because I love you so much and I want you to have the best in life. I want you to be the best you can bet that is why I am so hard on you. You are my oldest son and want you to know that what I do and say to you is all in the name of love. You might not understand it now but someday soon when you sit down and write your future child a letter you may understand.

Now I want to tell you the reason why you are named what you are named and the reason that this name was given to you the oldest child. Surrender, it’s a name that I know not many children have. Especially in Korea. The reason I named you surrender is because I wanted a name that was different and would stick in people’s minds. It was the first name that I have ever loved long enough to dream and plan the name for a child of mine. It was the first name I picked out when I was in the 7^th grad. I have never changed my mind. Back then I said when I get married have my first child if he is a boy I will name him surrender. I have keep my promise. Even if your father didn't like the name I was still going to name you it. I didn't care, I don’t even know your father yet so its not a big deal yet. Maybe i'll have some arguments with him when it comes to naming you when that time comes but ill win because i'm the women and i'm doing all the work, caring you and pushing you out. The reason i'm calling you Ren for short is due to the fact that it’s a more common name in Korea also it’s a short form so you don’t have to say or spell out such a long name all the time. That’s the reason I named you surrender. I love the name and what it means and what it stands for. It’s a strong name for a boy who will be so strong.

As the oldest child in a family of five kids you will have big responsibilities. I can help you because I understand I was the oldest of five. Things will be very depending for you but i'm sure you will be able to do because you will have strong genes in you, my genes. What I hope you are like. I hope you are strong willed and know why you want. Don’t be afraid to go for the gold no matter what it is. Also be yourself I can’t stress that the most.

I am writing this letter to you half as if you are already hear and half as if you are not. This may seem wired to you but someday maybe you will understand. Theses thought shave been on my mind all day and just now after I finished all my school work I and to write it all out before I forgot. So this is why i'm writing this all messed up but I hope you’ll listen and understand that i'm writing this because I love you.

Who you are or who I think you will be might be totally different from who you actually will be when you are finally hear on earth. Right now my dream is to move to Korea someday and setall down there and maybe marry a Korean man. If that is to happen then you will be a boy of an interracial marriage. You will be mixed, biracial just like me your mother. Thou I’m made of less things. I hope that you take after your father in good looks have the typical Asian/ Korean futures with a nice dark skin town. I know that even thou I your mother was not raised in Korean I wish to raise you in the Korean way. Korean will most likely be your first language and you will most likely end you going to an international school were you will learn English. You may find it hard growing up mixed in Korea but times are changing so by the time you are created maybe it will be different there. I will promises you that even thou we won’t live in Canada you will meet you aunts and uncles and grandparents. We will visit them and you will have a good strong relationship with them. Also we will go on family trip just like I did when I was a child. Maybe if your Korean grandparents live fare away from Seoul well go on road trips to go visit them.

Your father whoever he his will love you just as much as I have always loved you. He probably; loves you a lot even now. I hope and pray that you will have siblings, I even have names picked out for them even now. Next I pray that your brothers Ashley and Barome will get along with you and that you three will be great older brothers to your younger sisters Yuri and Solbi. As my oldest child there is a different love that comes with being the oldest.( maybe ill add a sixth child and id name him Henry

I love you with all my hurt Surrender and when the time comes for you and I to truly meet I will work all my days making it clear to you that I have always loved you and will always love you. Pleases always remember that.

From your mother (someday soon)

Leah Hutchinson

P.s. I hope to write more to you as the years go by so that when you are finally hear on this earth with me you will know how much I thought about you even before you were here. Also if you do end up being born in Korean and speaking Korean and reading Korean as your first language ill translate this letter for you so that you will have an easier time reading it. (This is just an intro letter to you)

All my love now and forever

Leah